BrendaHubbard

Hey, the tomato is gone!? Whoosh!!! (imagine the sound of slicing a fruit fast) Oh No! I just cut my thumb! As I quickly move towards the sink, all I see is my right thumb covered in bright red blood. While I watch the cold water rinsing off my thumb, and before the water can make its way off my hands, my thumb is covered again in a thick red puddle of blood. Wow! I can’t believe this just happened; that was my first thought. The rush of thoughts began to fill up my brain like a ton of bricks falling on top of each other. For a second, I thought PAUSE, STOP, and REWIND, All in that order. I truly believed I could do that because of the overwhelming disappointment that overtook my thoughts at the fact that I did something that was not likely for me to do.

 In my 36 years of life, this would be the 2nd time I’ve cut myself to the point of needing to be rushed to the hospital, and my complete shock left me speechless. Nevertheless, despite what had just happened, I still wanted to eat my turkey burger with tomatoes, so I finished preparing it and wrapping up my hand in gauze and paper towels to control the bleeding. Which I quickly realized was useless due to the rush of blood coming out of what I believed to be a minor cut. My husband finally said: Brenda, we need to go to the emergency room (ER). I said fine, let me use the bathroom, and we will go. I went to the bathroom and quickly discovered Auntie Dot and spot a lot, aka my menstrual period, came to visit. Sheesh, talk about terrible timing. Great, now I’m bleeding out of two places, LOL. Sorry, but I had to make light of my situation at the time.

I walked out of the bathroom and watched my husband standing in our living room waiting for me. My knees failed and quivered, causing me to lose stability, and thank goodness for my husband’s reflexes. He managed to grab me before I knew what it would feel like to hit our wooden floors. MOOOOM! Yelled my son while watching me from our dining table. I looked up, and despite the glimpse of blurry vision, thoughts began to flood my mind. How did this even happen? Why was I even talking to my husband so much? Why was I moving so fast? Hunger!? I allowed one emotion to spiral my night into what felt like one of the longest nights of my life. The last time I said the longest night of my life was when I was lying in a hospital bed, ready to give birth to my son eleven years ago. 

After about a few hours of waiting on the hospital bed with my husband, having my thumb sterilized, and filling up a small square bin of blood, the Doctor finally said oh, you hit a capillary, aka a vein. Wait what? A vein? Now I feel like I’m in a movie. I was numbed, and seven stitches later, I was still wrapping my head around what had just happened. We walked out with specific instructions and procedures of care for the next few days. I messaged the parents of the children I watched in my childcare and decided to close it down for the week. Since the wound had been on my right hand and that is my dominant hand. This was one of those cases in which I never could have imagined my evening taking such a turn over one decision I had unintentionally made, which was walking in lack of
“Self-Control”. 

“When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sins like these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:19-23 NLT

Severe consequences follow when we allow our flesh to take over and run rampant in our lives. There are actions we take, like the one I took rushing and having a lack of self-control that I had no ill intentions about, but the lack of its presence caused irreversible damage. I found this definition on self control that I believe explains it in simple terms: 

 Self-control is the ability to control one’s thoughts, feelings, and actions. It helps us to make wise choices and to resist temptation. Ask God to help you grow in self-control. -The writer is unknown. It wasn’t until after the accident that I realized I unintentionally chose not to walk in one of the nine fruits of the Spirit we are called to walk in as a child of God. I allowed an emotion of hunger to turn into rushing and desperation for food, leading me to take a shortcut that cost me more than what I bargained for. 

 “One day, when Jacob was cooking some stew, Esau arrived home from the wilderness exhausted and hungry. Esau said to Jacob, “I’m starved! Give me some of that red stew!”
(This is how Esau got his other name, Edom, which means “red.”) “All right,” Jacob replied, “but trade me your rights as the firstborn son.” “Look, I’m dying of starvation!” said Esau. “What good is my birthright to me now?” But Jacob said, “First, you must swear that your birthright is mine.” So Esau swore an oath, thereby selling all his rights as the firstborn to his brother, Jacob. Then Jacob gave Esau some bread and lentil stew. Esau ate the meal, then got up and left. He showed contempt for his rights as the firstborn. Genesis 25:29-34 NLT. 

When we desperately want something, our first impulse is to get it, to satisfy our desire instantly at any cost. Immediate pleasure can cloud the future. We can avoid Esau’s mistake by comparing short-term satisfaction with its long-range consequences before we act. Also known as SELF-CONTROL. Getting over that short-pressure moment is the hardest part of overcoming temptation. One tip I’ve begun to implement is to ask myself why I feel rushed, overwhelmed, afraid, and worried about this situation. Is this emotion valid? If it is okay, stop and honor those feelings, and ask God for direction in handling these feelings and what can be done. If there is no solution at the moment, honor the fact that at this moment, I can’t do much, and I need to let it go. Easier said than done, I understand, but when used, it can be helpful in different situations. 

A birthright was a special honor given to the firstborn son. It included a double portion of the family inheritance along with the honor of one day becoming the family’s leader. The oldest son could sell his birthright or give it away if he chose, but in so doing, he would lose both material goods and his leadership position. By trading his birthright, Esau showed complete disregard for the spiritual blessings that would have come his way if he had kept it.
Genesis 25:19 NIV Study Bible explanation. 

 In the same way, I gave up the covering and protection that came from walking in
self-control and patience if I had taken the time to honor those two fruits of the Spirit. But because I chose to disregard those, I was left uncovered, not protected, and open to the consequences of walking away from self-control and patience. The result was unreversible damage, the “cut on my thumb.” Friends never underestimate the power of one decision. 

When broken down, these were the direct causes and effects: 

Time: The one thing everyone always tries to get more of but loses a lot is time. It was Monday evening when a household with two working parents and children was busy. Preparing for tomorrow, catching up with your spouse on the daily highlights, cooking dinner, kids playing and asking questions is usually a household normal. So, time was of the essence in this scenario. Now, time was taken away from things that had to be done to rush me to the emergency room to wait a few hours to be cared for and treated. Energy: Losing blood from a vein depleted me of my energy very fast, which caused a few almost-fainting episodes. 

Money: This decision forced me to close the business for a week without pay, slightly burdening our finances and goals. 

Trauma: I could not stop replaying what had just happened for the first forty-eight hours; it seemed like that was the only thing I could think about to the point of a breakdown. The next day, I was supposed to remove the bandages, which would expose the stitches. I was not prepared for the next event that was about to unfold. As I slowly removed the last strip of bandage, I felt a rush of water fill my eyeballs, and I was stuck. Very vividly, my brain replayed my husband’s words to me while I was in the kitchen, followed by everything that happened after that sped up to 5x the speed on a remote when trying to get to that one scene you want to replay, except there was no stop on my brain it just rushed and replayed very quickly which led to an audible outburst cry and shivering I had not ever experienced before. I have never been the one to have breakdowns or feel weak-minded, but at this moment, I lost control and crashed down on my bathroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

I called my husband, who was downstairs, to hurry upstairs. When he walked into the room, I couldn’t stop crying, repeating defeated word curses over myself. He instantly knew it was Go time! He began speaking life over me, telling me who I am in God and that I am not what happened to me. He called out that Spirit of fear that had come upon me and went into full deliverance mode. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for using my husband as a willing vessel to help me in such a time as this. 

Pain: The healing process was slow, steady, and painful. Every day was a climb to the top of the mountain I had to endure. Every day, I had to walk in faith in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. To get through this season, I was navigating. It seemed like it was taking forever. But slowly, as I continued to trust God and walk in the fruits, I began to see a distant light at the end. 

 Restrictions: Plans changed until further notice. Disclaimer: I am not a cook or like to cook, but when I desire to do it, I pour my heart and soul into a meal so my family can enjoy it. This incident caused me to cancel my scheduled preparation for plans to cook a massive feast for Super Bowl Sunday. Now, if you know, you know that day is a big deal in America and marrying an American man who loves football. I was ready to blow the roof off with these dishes to show him and my kids everything I had planned. So, I was heartbroken that I would not be able to do that, which put me in a sad state of mind. Our daughters did a few things with my help and guidance, but it wasn’t the same. 

Conviction: It’s one thing to know you messed up, and it’s another thing when you get that heart conviction from God that one hurts more. Especially when He shows you what He’s been trying to teach you for months: to walk in the fruits of the Spirit. I cried to him and asked for forgiveness because I knew I had thrown all that teaching out the window when that incident happened. Now let me explain: conviction is feeling like I should have done that, and I am sorry. God, I know I can do better. Forgive me and help me turn away.
Now condemnation is, wow, how could I have possibly done that! I am so ______ (fill in the blank), or I am such an ______ (fill in the blank) that my friend is NOT from God. That is from the enemy. Our God is merciful, and He speaks to us and shows us things so that we may learn, repent of what we did, and turn away so we do not make those mistakes again. 
“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. Romans 8:1-2 NLT 

Hurry: When looking at the event’s totality, I didn’t need to rush. God will forgive our sins if we ask him, but the consequences of that sin have already been set in motion. I immediately wanted a do-over when I felt my thumb was sliced. I thought to myself, if only I could rewind this movie. No, this was not supposed to happen. 
David said to Gad, “I am in deep distress. Let me fall into the hands of the Lord, for his mercy is very great; but do not let me fall into human hands.” 1 Chronicles 21:13 NIV. 
David pled for mercy, and God responded by stopping the angel before his mission of death was complete. The consequences of David’s sin had already caused severe damage. God will always forgive our sins and will intervene to make their bitter consequences less severe, but the scars will remain. 1 Chronicles 21:13 NIV Study Bible explanation. 
In the same way, I cried to God for forgiveness. I know He forgives me for walking with a lack of self-control, but I had to endure the pain of that consequence, which had already been set in motion. I will forever have a scar on my right thumb as a reminder of what happened when I chose to walk away from practicing self-control. 

We have countless examples in the Bible where God walked in self-control despite the scenes demanding quick attention: 

“When Jesus arrived at Bethany, he was told that Lazarus had already been in his grave for four days. Bethany was only a few miles down the road from Jerusalem, and many of the people had come to console Martha and Mary in their loss. When Martha got word that Jesus was coming, she went to meet him. But Mary stayed in the house. Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if only you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now, I know that God will give you whatever you ask.” Jesus told her, “Your brother will rise again.” “John 11:17-23 NLT
“While he was still speaking to her, messengers arrived from the home of Jairus, the leader of the synagogue. They told him, “Your daughter is dead. There’s no use troubling the Teacher now.” But Jesus overheard them and said to Jairus, “Don’t be afraid. Just have faith.” “Mark 5:35-36 NLT
“Jesus was sleeping at the back of the boat with his head on a cushion. The disciples woke him up, shouting, “Teacher, don’t you care that we’re going to drown?” When Jesus woke up, he rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Silence! Be still!” Suddenly the wind stopped, and there was a great calm. Then he asked them, “Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?” Mark 4:38-40 NLT
“Therefore I do not run like someone running aimlessly; I do not fight like a boxer beating the air. No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize. “1 Corinthians 9:26-27 NIV

 Self-control requires us to look at our strengths and weaknesses and discern what needs to be tuned up. It means learning and developing a will to say No! When a robust appetite inside us is screaming Yes! It means making a conscious decision that I am choosing this road instead of the one that is comfortable, pleasurable, and convenient. It is self-denial, all to walk in the way we are called as a son and daughter of God. Being a follower of Jesus Christ is a long and steady road that has to be learned, taking one day at a time and typically harder when these behaviors do not come naturally. 

Heavenly Father, thank you for this practical and much-needed blog. I pray I can continue to walk this journey with you leading and protecting me. Through this complex yet powerful testimony, I pray that a light was placed over my fellow brother or sister reading these lines on the other side of this screen and that they, too, can tune up any area in their life that needs more of your direction. I pray that you meet them right where they are and that your love overwhelms their being like never before. Father, reassure them that you are with them every step of the way. Lord, we thank you for all you’ve done and continue to do in our lives. In Jesus’ name, we pray, amen.