BrendaHubbard

Me: “How many kids do you have?” 

Him: “I have five kids..they are older, but currently, three live with me.”

Me: Oh wow! (Before I could choose the following words wisely, I bluntly said) So how many baby mamas do you have? 

(Followed by a 3-second silence as I waited on the phone line) 

Him: No, baby mamas, I was a faithful husband. I was married for 13 years and had all my kids with my ex. 

Me: Really!? (As if asking how many baby mamas he had wasn’t bad enough, I still got the nerve to question his sincerity) 

It wasn’t that I didn’t believe him. I just couldn’t believe that a handsome black man was married for that long and had all five kids with one woman. I hadn’t seen that or heard of that before. Probably because it didn’t help that my father had three kids, and one was with someone else, and I had seen my uncles and other men have multiple children and usually always had one outside of marriage. This a great example about passing judgment on others based on all we know and have seen growing up. To say I was in shock was an understatement, but I remained intrigued. I quickly began to think this man must have great wisdom. I could use a friend like him in my life, and I want to get to know him and build on this extraordinary friendship I’m sure I will have. I never told him that, but I kept him in the friend zone because I wasn’t interested in anything else. I say that with so much joy because I focused on becoming a better version of myself without even knowing it. God will do things, bring you blessings, and put you in rooms you weren’t even looking for in the regular mundane of your daily life. Looking back, I can see what God was doing. For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Not only did God allow for an incredible friendship to begin to form, but he also molded this individual to become the husband I desired before my eyes, and I was oblivious.

Fast forward to now, July 2023. It has been such an incredible rollercoaster. We have been through some rough seasons and some fantastic seasons, and every season has helped to continue solidifying our foundation as a blended family. How? Every season has allowed us to open a compartment we hadn’t opened up about ourselves, individually, as a whole, with our children, our likes and dislikes, and all our goals, strengths, and weaknesses while learning about each other individually. For example, we all know what must be spotless in our homes before bed. The kitchen because I can’t have a dirty kitchen overnight. Blame it on my Dominican side and my parents brainwashing me with the “cucarachas, meaning roaches will come out at night,” However, it worked because we do not go to bed with a dirty kitchen in our household. Who needs to know in advance what we are doing and the prices of everything? Dad/My Husband. Who doesn’t like surprises, our 20-year-old? Who loves to go out? Our 16-year-old, who loves the outdoors? Our 10-year-old. Who loves books? The baby and our little quirks are what make this blended family unique. 

As a blended family, we all bring gifts and flaws to the table. Some skills add value to our household, while others add strife and tension. Regardless of our talents and weaknesses, I’ve learned that “For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. Ephesians 2:10

Promoting self-love and acceptance for who we are is something my husband and I try to remind our children and ourselves. We have learned that to give love, kindness, gentleness, and peace; we must have that for ourselves. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and we can’t give what we don’t have. 

In our blended family, we have found that prayer and open communication is the key to understanding each other, respecting points of view, and a reminder that our voices matter. We do not have this thing down to a science, but we are progressing despite times when we might take two steps backward. Knowing is half the battle and the first step in solving the problem. One of the things that help my husband and I navigate our household is to sympathize with each other first. Why? As a blended family, we were hurt to our core before we all came together. 

 It is still essential to understand this. When discussing a subject, depending on what it is, the past needs to be addressed to dissect the root of the issue. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right, persevering, and steadfast spirit within me. Psalms 51:10
To be able to come together and speak to each other, we first must ask our Heavenly Father to help us surrender our selfish ways and motives to be correct but, more important, to love one another just as our God loves us. 

Prayer has always been an essential part of our family dynamic, and even tho we fall short, we have tried to incorporate this into our daily family routine at least once a day. When there seems to be tension between us and the kids or the kids we didn’t birth; we try to come together and discuss it over a family meeting. Sometimes the kids don’t like that because it opens the door to hidden hurt and other issues. Still, we have understood that open communication is the only way to navigate this journey together. The best way for us to handle drama in our household has been: 

1. The one offended speaks to someone, usually Dad/Mom or an older sibling, about what bothered them, or my husband and I talk to each other about something that was said or done that rubbed us the wrong way. The first step is realizing I did not like or agree with what was said, and I need to get it off my chest. We always say knowing is half the battle.  
2. Decide when we will talk to the offender, or does this need to be taken to a family meeting amongst each other? (Disclaimer: this needs to be discussed within one or two days max to nip tension and eliminate creating more issues in the household. 
3. When coming together as a family or with a person, pray. Allow God to come in and be the center of that conversation and allow anything to be said to come from a place of love and voicing what is on your heart without being in an area of anger and attack. Easier said than done, but if it is not possible, ask for forgiveness, take a step back, and return to this when emotions have settled and there is less tension. 
4. Conclude in love, decide to do better, and agree to be mindful of each other’s feelings. By far the most challenging task, but remembering that we are not perfect and we, too, would like forgiveness when we fall short is vital. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Romans 3:23. We are not perfect or have this family life down, but we are progressing. 

Heavenly Father, thank you for helping me put together what would help someone not just in a family dynamic but with another person and how they can navigate the situation in a practical and simple way as long as both individuals are willing to move past their differences. Meet them where they are and give them the strength to speak up with boldness and love. I pray that this helps them look towards you and seek you wholeheartedly in any situation. In Jesus’s name, Amen.