BrendaHubbard

The house is finally silent. The creaking floor noises upstairs have stopped, indicating that my husband has laid down in our warm Gain scented comforters after putting our baby in her playpen to sleep. Or not I hear another noise…she must be restless. Well, prayerfully, she will fall asleep for him soon. Now my mind is thinking of all these questions. Why didn’t he lay her down, turn the white noise sound on, turn the baby monitor on and step out for a few? Sheesh, will my baby be ok? Mommy knows best…Ugh, what if I forget this blog, call it a night, and go to bed? But I told God I would do it today. eh, I can do it tomorrow…BRENDA STOP! This is insanity its been how long since your last blog!? This isn’t about you? Really? Is sharing a glimpse of my life and shortcomings not about me? WTH…why is this such a task…(Did I type that for people to read? Yeah, I did because even tho I am a believer, it doesn’t exclude me from being a human that needs God daily to do this thing called life) now, where was I? Oh yes, I didn’t do this on my own. It is part of my assignment on this earth and, apparently, part of my purpose. I vowed to be obedient on this journey, and although I’ve failed miserably countless times, our God is forgiving and merciful. I know that I can ask God for forgiveness, dust myself off, and try again, and here I am doing that, even if it means staying up past my desired bedtime.

Heavenly Father, as I take this reader, your son/daughter with me on a glimpse of what it means to be a God-fearing servant. Let there be no doubt or worry about judgment as you use my life and experiences as a testimony for others to look at and say if He can do it for her. If the God of this universe can be there through her trials and tribulations and remind her of who she is in you, then there is hope for me. Father, thank you to the person on the other side of this screen; touch them, so they know it is you. Meet them where ever they are, show up for them as you’ve shown up for me, and more. Remind them of who they are and who’s they are for your glory in Jesus Name, amen.

Nothing in a million years could have prepared me for the emotional rollercoaster November 2022 would bring. It was the second most brutal experience following our 3rd year of marriage my husband and I have had to endure. Despite dealing with the aftermath of moving on past heartaches, stress, changes, grief, and the list goes on. But one thing is for sure:
And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. Romans 8:28. At the moment of a life-altering event, we tend to have so many questions that might make sense later or might never make sense, but our job isn’t to sit on it and dwell but, more importantly, ask ourselves how this can be used for someone else? How can I give our God the glory through this experience he is allowing you to navigate? And if you are unsure ask our God for guidance he will lead you in the direction you should go.
Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall. Psalms 55:22.

On November 10th at 4:34 pm, I received a text that read, “So I’m getting pre-up stuff done. I’m contacting I’m in active labor,” followed by “I’m so much pain” from Esposo and Kahlea Tyler as Siri read it loudly into my right AirPod since at the time I only had one in my ear. Never did I expect that evening would be the longest we’ve ever experienced. This was From the group chat my husband and I shared with his second-oldest daughter, whom I’ve learned to love as if she were my own. Her baby girl had decided to make her debut at twenty-five weeks. Not ideal but we knew this could happen after her water breaking at 18 weeks. Baby Sophia was born a true fighter, just like her mama, and she showed so many traits of her in her time here. Unfortunately due to complications, she left us 18 hours later…

(With tears flowing down my cheeks) memories of that moment surface in my mind like water overflowing from a cup over and over. The silence took place in that hospital room as nurses and doctors were surrounded. I felt our daughter cry from the depth of her, and surface while I pressed down on her c-section wound that had been stitched up a few hours before. Bent over holding our daughter and my husband’s arms somehow wrapped mine and her together as the pain and disbelief filled that moment was unexplainable. God No! We trusted, prayed, and believed that this story would have a different ending…we spoke life over this situation, we called upon some of your prayer warriors, and yet Lord, you had other plans. I’ve read the scriptures, but nothing makes sense in the middle of a tragedy.

So now what!? This is where genuine faith is tested, not just for yourself but for the witnesses in your life. For our other kids at home watching our reaction and how we navigate this uncharted territory.
Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies. You honor me by anointing my head with oil. My cup overflows with blessings. Surely your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life, and I will live in the house of the Lord forever. Psalms 23:4-6.
You cannot say enough words to someone going through a difficult time. The best thing you can do on their behalf is pray for them and ask our Heavenly Father, who can do exceedingly above all we can ask or imagine, to heal and comfort their son/daughter during such time.

Grieving with so many unanswered questions is hard now; add to that being embraced by your husband’s ex-wife who you don’t have a relationship with, standing in between your living room and kitchen, and having so many mixed emotions towards her based on the different stories you’ve heard and witnessed unfold. While listening, “thank you so much for everything you’ve done! It is so lovely to meet you finally. As she pulled away with a glow of sincerity in her, I believed her light brown eyes, which were fogged by my eyes which had undergone being drowned repeatedly in tears. I felt a genuine embrace and the room turning heads to witness this most desired moment by all four daughters, her aunt, and hold up! Where the heck is my husband, and why the H**** didn’t he explain to me that this person would be in my house!? Was the thought that rushed to my head signaling to my brain…RED ALERT! RED ALERT! BREATHE! The God in me flashed the facial image of our oldest daughter as she stood at the corner of my left eye to witness her biological mom and stepmom finally embrace each other. I couldn’t lose my cool if I wanted to. There was no logical reason to. I called this a test of character, and I am happy to say that I handled it well and died to my flesh at that moment. Meaning I did not give in to my selfish nature of allowing that moment to be so uncomfortable to endure. I learned that sometimes it’s not about how I feel but instead showing the ones that look up to me how to carry yourself with grace in the midst of being uncomfortable and conducting a small glimpse of what I believed God would have done. At the end of the day, she was respectful, and I have nothing wrong to say about her. On the contrary, she gave me some great advice as the days progressed, and we talked about the children she birthed. Now I get the honor to help guide and love them as they continue to become extraordinary individuals.

And I know you’re wondering…my husband, right? Well, he was somewhere in the house, I can’t remember where but the critical part was that he did apologize for the lack of clear communication, and we talked more about it. Not saying that it made it all better, but because of the love and respect I have for him and my vow to be with him through thick and thin, I was able to be uncomfortable at times and manage the situation in such a way that in the end, God got the glory.
So humble yourself under the mighty power of God, and at the right time, he will lift you up in honor. 1 Peter:5:6
Then he said to the crowd, “if any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross daily, and follow me.
Luke 9:23.

Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to read these prayed and thought-out lines to inspire and give you hope on this journey called life.